The Dream Is Over
Yep ... you read it correctly. I have thrown in the towel on trading. I haven't officially quit, but the "What next?" search has begun.
First off, I have tried to post to my blog a couple of times within the last week or so, but the message gets lost and never gets posted. Of course, I have spent some time writing it and I don't feel like spending more time to rewrite, so I move on ... waiting for another day.
The last couple of trading days have been really difficult for me psychologically. Friday was probably my worst trading day ever, but not because I lost a lot of money. On a record day for the company, I ended up the day negative, one of only four traders in the entire firm to do so, and the only trader with more than 6 months experience. The IPO of the New York Mercantile Exchange (NMX) was a lay up trade that day. and I didn't participate. There were literally two dozen traders that made over $10K that day alone, and several traders that made over $50K. Why didn't I particpate? Because it was too risky ... too volatile. It sure was, but at some point I have to poke my head out of my shell and try to make something happen. I am still way too conservative and don't want to assume the risk. So, what the hell, then, am I doing in a profession that is full of risk all day, everyday? Good question. I'm a fish out of water ... that's for sure.
Because it was a record day, the company sponsored a happy hour after work. I wasn't even going to attend, but after talking to my wife, she urged me to go. Everyone was so happy and having a good time, but I was, well .... depressed. I have been trying to trade this new strategy and it just hasn't been going very well. I have made a couple of good trades with it, but the majority of the trades I make I think I see a good setup, but it ends up going in my face and I get stopped out. Shortly after I get stopped out, then, the stock proceeds to go in the direction of my original position. So, my stop is too tight, right? Well, the times I always loosen my stop seem to be the times the movement continues against me, so I incur a larger loss. It's like I am always wrong ... always ... with the worst luck you can possibly imagine.
Yesterday's trading was OK, but I think I was only up like $40 or something ... not even enough to cover my daily costs. Today started off good, but I self-destructed midday. I don't think I had a winning trade after 1oAM. I went from being up $100 to being down $150 in a couple blinks of the eyes and I left shortly after noon. The trades were more of the same as I described above. I keep thinking, "When is this going to change?", and it never does. Anyway, I wasn't having fun, so I left.
I am worn out. I have worked so hard to understand different trading ideas and techniques. I spend hours each night and on the weekends trying to get better. I build and modify my tickers to make them quieter in order to get better hits. I review charts constantly. I replay the bar chart action of certain stocks in the evenings to get used to how they look in real-time when a setup is forming. I honestly think I have done everything possible for me to succeed, and it hasn't happened.
I know there are several of you who will read this and say, "Here he goes ... whining again." But, for me, this post is different. I am depressed. I am failing miserably, and there is little hope, if any, left in my spirits. I know I put myself in this position, and I am responsible for my actions, but what was I going to do? Stay at my other job - disappointed, depressed, and hopeless. Well, at least I had a paycheck there. Now, I am feeling the same way with this job sans paycheck. This is great! What me makes think that I will feel differently about any other job I would do next? Is this the way my work life is going to be for the next couple of decades? If so, I don't think I can take it. Anyway, I am a failure ... who would want me to work for them anyway?
As much as a I want to end this post on a lighter note, I can't do it. My feelings are serious, and my outlook is serious. I don't know what I am going to do. I know there are people who love me and care for me, but I am having difficulty feeling those things for myself right now.
posted by El Pato @ 3:09 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
man, i'm not sure what to say. um, u're in the 4th stage of depression... the next stage is acceptance. once u get there, u'll be alright.
remember, this is a blog about changes in your life. and u still have plenty more life in you. i can't wait to see what your next venture will be!
Man, I'm sorry this hasn't been working out for you. But when you look at the bigger picture, these 11 months or so have barely been a bug on the windshield. You just need to hit the wiper fluid and watch the problems disappear to the left and right...while you plow straight ahead.
And since you are at this point, let's look at what is ahead. More appreciation for what you have, more fun with volleyball, having the experience to say "I did it. I might not have succeeded, but I tried." More than what most of us can say...
rns
Forgetting the difficulties and potential long-term effects, do you regret taking on this venture? I would wager your answer is, "No."
I saw the gleam, the ambition in your eyes just before you started this new season. There's no doubt in my mind that you did the right thing. None of us should be locked into something that we fundamentally oppose, and that's where you were at unnamed technology company. You broke out of your cage and experienced life (just as I did); a life that could not have been had under that oppression.
Speaking from my own life, I knew my time at the coffee shop was not going to be a long-term career, but I didn't know that I'd be getting out of the chef world so soon. And the reason I got out was because there was still a part of me that likes -- nay, loves -- computers and programming. I don't regret leaving the tech world the first time, and I don't regret leaving the chef world either, because I can sit back and tell my kids and their kids about how to really experience life to the fullest, and experience new and exciting things that they never thought possible.
On the up-side, this new tech job I'm in now... my pastry chef experience actually propelled me to the top of the candidate list (my now Operations VP told me after I started work). He said it demonstrated my ability to "think differently and outside the box." I don't doubt that your next job interview would produce the same types of comments. You had a dream, you took a risk, and you put your whole self into it. That, in and of itself, is very admirable.
You have the right to be depressed. But you don't have the right to be discouraged. It takes extreme boldness and bravery and strength to do what you have done for the last 9(?) months. You risked everything you had to follow your heart, and I can tell you that 98% of the people out there wouldn't have done that.
My $0.02.
And one more thing, the dream isn't over: it's just getting started. :-)
I think you made the right decision to try this job...at least you'll always have the satisfaction of knowing you took a chance and followed your dream. No matter what you do next, that will benefit you & you won't be thinking that you should have tried it but were too scared. You're a hard-worker, smart, and talented...you're definitely bound for success. It's just a question of where you will have that happen!
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