Like Trying To Untie a Big Frickin' Knot

By now, I am sure most of you are wondering, "What the hell happened? This guy hasn't posted in ages." I know ... I know. It's not so much that I have been that busy either. However, I am in the middle of volleyball season, and it seems like I am having to design practices nearly every other day. I think the real reason I haven't been blogging is because I have nothing different to say. It is pretty much the same song and dance I have been doing for the last 5 months: Break even days, break even months, and still no paycheck. Pretty depressing actually.

Here is a quick recap of the month of January:
Started out the month strong.
Gave a lot of what I made back the last week of the month.
For the 4th month in a row, I will not be receiving a paycheck, and really, I am no closer to having a system now than I was two months ago. It is definitely not for lack of effort. I am still coming home in the evenings and going over the simulators that run everyday, but I can't seem to find an edge. I have put all the data into Microsoft Access and built queries and reports to try to find something but .... nothing. Hence, the title for this blog entry. Have you ever had a knot that was so tight, you just couldn't get it out? You stare at it, and it looks really bad, and you don't even know where to start. Then you finally do start, and the knot is so tight you can't even budge it. Then, you get paperclips or other strong, thin items to try to loosen it, and you can't make progress. Frustrated, you leave the knot, only to come back to it at a later time, but unfortunately, encounter the same result. Eventually, you give up on the knot and realize you will have to replace the item. Well, that is about where I am at with my trading career.

I know several posts ago I wrote about my inevitable realization of not making it in trading. That was a couple of months ago. I still question what the heck I am doing going into work everyday trying to trade. I should be looking for another job and getting on with my life. But, it is just so hard for me to call it quits. I am stubborn and will keep fighting to the very end even if defeat is inevitable. Perhaps that is the competitor in me. There is still some part of me that thinks I can do this, and I want to keep trying but at some point I have got to look at the big picture. I am in my 11th month of trading. During that time I have made just under $6K. That is it! I made more in one month working at my former employer than I have for the past 11 months in this new career! I have burned through nearly all of my savings ( I just have a little over $5K left). My wife and I have sacrificed many things this past year, and quite frankly, I am tired of making the sacrifice, but something keeps me there. Maybe its the story of the 50-year-old former lawyer that gives me hope. This man had been with the company trading for 20 months. During that time he had 1 paycheck. He had $150K in savings that he burned through and was down to his last $10K. Last month, the man had his best month ever and took home a paycheck of over $20K. Something clicked for him and he was there to take advantage of it. Is my "click" just around the corner? The only way I know is if I stay and find out.

Don't get me wrong, I have been on the lookout for another job. It is just that I have no idea what I want to do. Heck, I was contemplating another job/career at my former employer ever since the settop box project I was working on got canned. That was 3 years! I remember waking up at 5:30am to go work out, and each morning I would think, "What else could I do for a living?" Finally, there was something I was so passionate about that I was willing to make the switch and take the risk, and what do you .... I am not very good at it. It is going to take me a little while to figure out what I could do next. Regardless of my performance, I still love trading. I love the challenge everyday and it keeps me thinking constantly. But, it doesn't pay the bills. When do I cry "uncle"?

So this has been my story for the past month, actually the past 4 months. I am getting a small paycheck from volleyball coaching and that is helping, but other than that, the well is beginning to run dry. Please wish me luck in the coming weeks and months. I need all the help I can get!