The Big Down Day

So here I am ... awake at 3:30am on the morning after one of the biggest down days in the history of the stock market. Yeah, there is something bothering me. I have been saying for the past couple of months, "If only the market would go down, I would do much better. I am such the pessimist. I could do so well shorting stocks." Well, yesterday was my chance .... and, you guessed it, I blew it! While the market was going down shortly after lunch, what was I trying to do? Buy, of course. I thought I had figured out areas of support and was really optimistic they would hold, but nothing was holding yesterday. Yesterday's actiion fell in that strange .01% category where all actions of normalcy are thrown out the window. Other people certainly capitalized on the action, but again ... not me. Wouldn't you know it ... that is just my luck.

So, something woke me up this morning, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I think that something is called ... stress! I felt stress when I was at my former job, but this is stress on a whole new level. I feel like it is taking years off my life, and that is bad. I just don't know what the future holds. Like I have written the past couple of posts, money is getting extremely tight. My wife's birthday just passed and I couldn't even afford to get her a birthday present for crying out loud. That means no Christmas or Birthday present for her from me. What kind of husband am I? I feel like I am physically falling apart. I have been battling an infection now for over 3 months and can't seem to shake it. The doctors tell me it is nothing to be alarmed about, but it certainly affects my level of comfort on a daily basis. I jammed my finger with volleyball so bad about 3 weeks ago that I haven't been able to wear my wedding ring ever since. I almost feel like it is broken, but I haven't gone to see a doctor about it. Finally, a couple of days ago, the gums around one of my teeth starting swelling and causing me pain. I think I need to go to the dentist, but I can't really afford it. Then, there are the other little expenses that keep popping up. A couple of weeks ago, the window motor went out on my car. What does it cost to get something like that fixed on a 1991 Mazda RX7 convertible? Don't ask. Since those parts are hard to come by ... let's just say way too much. Not only that, but my mechanic thinks there are some serious electrical and mechanical problems with the car that may prevent it from passing inspection in the next couple of months. And the cost to fix these problems? Around $3K. Great! Then there are the problems with our dog, Sasha. She is still having problems with one of her nails that she ripped off a while ago. About every 6 to 8 months, it grows back crooked and she rips it off again. So we have to go to the vet and have it removed. That happened last week. Oh, and I can't forget taxes coming up. I didn't make hardly anything last year, but I know somehow, someway ... we will owe something and that will suck too. Oh, and then I can't forget the mental frustration and letdown I experience on a daily basis from trading. So, if you think things are going a little rough for you these days, just reread the paragraph above and perhaps that will make you feel a little better.

But enough of the "poor me". This blog is an avenue for me to vent these frustrations and I am thankful for that. However, I am old enough to realize that I am responsible for putting myself and my family in this situation, and I am mature enough to now realize I have got to get myself out of it. Part of what woke me up this morning was a calling to make a change. I think rather than trading today, I am going to spend the day modifying my resume and job searching. Again, I don't know exactly what I want to do, but maybe I will get a little better idea after a solid day of searching. I have thought about going back into the tech industry, but I question if I would really be any happier doing that than when I left. Not only that, but I have lost a year of building tech skills and would I even get hired with the few tech skills I have? I have looked at a couple of job postings online that sound interesting, but then I look at the skill requirements and say, "OK ... next". I would love to continue working in the financial industry, but I don't really have the formal financial education/training. Also. for any type of entry-level job in that industry I would have to look at moving to New York or Chicago, and I don't want to do that. A blend of the tech and financial would be interesting, but those jobs also seem to be few and far between in Austin. I honestly wouldn't mind looking for a service-type job where I would be helping other people. I suppose "waiter" would fall in this category, but I am thinking something else, like, perhaps, teaching again. It doesn't have to be teaching kids either. Perhaps I could perform education classes for a company. I don't know. I just feel like the past year of my life has been devoted too much to myself. I have been so self-absorbed in trying to figure out this trading thing that I haven't really contributed to society at all (except for volleyball). Actually, that could partly be said for my previous job as well. What have I done recently to make someone else better? There is this driving passion in me to educate and to help others out. I would really like to be able to do this with my next job. The question is: Given my strengths and experiences, what can I do for a living and accomplish this? Ideas, anyone?

Well, I am starting to get a little tired now. Maybe I should go back to sleep a little before getting up and starting the job search. No trading for me today, though. I do need to keep trading .. if nothing else to keep the insurance. Lord knows I need it with all of my "issues".

Like Trying To Untie a Big Frickin' Knot

By now, I am sure most of you are wondering, "What the hell happened? This guy hasn't posted in ages." I know ... I know. It's not so much that I have been that busy either. However, I am in the middle of volleyball season, and it seems like I am having to design practices nearly every other day. I think the real reason I haven't been blogging is because I have nothing different to say. It is pretty much the same song and dance I have been doing for the last 5 months: Break even days, break even months, and still no paycheck. Pretty depressing actually.

Here is a quick recap of the month of January:
Started out the month strong.
Gave a lot of what I made back the last week of the month.
For the 4th month in a row, I will not be receiving a paycheck, and really, I am no closer to having a system now than I was two months ago. It is definitely not for lack of effort. I am still coming home in the evenings and going over the simulators that run everyday, but I can't seem to find an edge. I have put all the data into Microsoft Access and built queries and reports to try to find something but .... nothing. Hence, the title for this blog entry. Have you ever had a knot that was so tight, you just couldn't get it out? You stare at it, and it looks really bad, and you don't even know where to start. Then you finally do start, and the knot is so tight you can't even budge it. Then, you get paperclips or other strong, thin items to try to loosen it, and you can't make progress. Frustrated, you leave the knot, only to come back to it at a later time, but unfortunately, encounter the same result. Eventually, you give up on the knot and realize you will have to replace the item. Well, that is about where I am at with my trading career.

I know several posts ago I wrote about my inevitable realization of not making it in trading. That was a couple of months ago. I still question what the heck I am doing going into work everyday trying to trade. I should be looking for another job and getting on with my life. But, it is just so hard for me to call it quits. I am stubborn and will keep fighting to the very end even if defeat is inevitable. Perhaps that is the competitor in me. There is still some part of me that thinks I can do this, and I want to keep trying but at some point I have got to look at the big picture. I am in my 11th month of trading. During that time I have made just under $6K. That is it! I made more in one month working at my former employer than I have for the past 11 months in this new career! I have burned through nearly all of my savings ( I just have a little over $5K left). My wife and I have sacrificed many things this past year, and quite frankly, I am tired of making the sacrifice, but something keeps me there. Maybe its the story of the 50-year-old former lawyer that gives me hope. This man had been with the company trading for 20 months. During that time he had 1 paycheck. He had $150K in savings that he burned through and was down to his last $10K. Last month, the man had his best month ever and took home a paycheck of over $20K. Something clicked for him and he was there to take advantage of it. Is my "click" just around the corner? The only way I know is if I stay and find out.

Don't get me wrong, I have been on the lookout for another job. It is just that I have no idea what I want to do. Heck, I was contemplating another job/career at my former employer ever since the settop box project I was working on got canned. That was 3 years! I remember waking up at 5:30am to go work out, and each morning I would think, "What else could I do for a living?" Finally, there was something I was so passionate about that I was willing to make the switch and take the risk, and what do you .... I am not very good at it. It is going to take me a little while to figure out what I could do next. Regardless of my performance, I still love trading. I love the challenge everyday and it keeps me thinking constantly. But, it doesn't pay the bills. When do I cry "uncle"?

So this has been my story for the past month, actually the past 4 months. I am getting a small paycheck from volleyball coaching and that is helping, but other than that, the well is beginning to run dry. Please wish me luck in the coming weeks and months. I need all the help I can get!