Reality Bites

The saying is so true. Today especially.

Here is reality for me:
1. After today, I am down over $1,800. This doesn't even include all the variable costs such as lunches, insurance, user and exchange fees, etc. Those come out to about $1,000/month. So, if you add it all up, I am right at $5,000 in the hole.
2. After 3 months, I should be making improvements, but honestly, I feel like I am no better trader now than what I was 3 months ago.
The last two days have taken a big hit to my morale. The last two days combined, I have lost $250. All of last month, I only lost $430. I am moving backwards, quickly. Even when I tried to mirror good traders in positions the past two days, I seem to pick the ones that are losers. Just my luck, right?
3. I have only had one day where I have been up more than $100. In 60 days of trading, I have lost more than $100/day at least 8 times during that time.
4. Other traders that were in my beginning group are doing well. One trader recently made over $1,200 in one day. I am probably ranked either 4th or last of the 5 traders who started the same time I did. There are even a couple of traders who started after I did that are kicking my ass.
5. Each month I continue to see my savings become depleted all the while my deficit grows at the trading company. A part-time job is becoming more and more inevitable.

I want to remain optimistic, but especially after today, I feel the writing is on the wall. Some people are meant to be traders, and some people aren't. I had a long talk with my coach yesterday after I did poorly, and he assured me I was "right on track" with most traders as they start out. He said I am being too hard on myself and to just relax and keep trying to find something that works. I talked with a bunch of past co-workers yesterday at happy hour and felt positive, motivated, and inspired for today's trading. All of this turned out to be for naught, as I had one of my worst trading days ever. Not only that ... I left at noon. It could have been much worse.

Here are my problems as I see them:
1. I don't have a system. After 3 months, I am still searching for a system that works for me. One that I can confidently and comfortably use day-in and day-out. I understand there is no "holy grail" and I am willing to accept my losses, but honestly, my win percentage was maybe 10% today. Actually I take that back, I do have a system. I have several. However, I am not disciplined enough to follow them during the down times, and there are always down times. I can accept maybe 2 losses in a row before I go searching for different entry criteria. Meanwhile, if I would have kept following the previous system, it would have paid off big on one or more stocks.
2. I am too emotional when I trade. This is due to a lack of a system. I don't know how much to let a stock "wiggle" from my entry point. As a result, I see the negative go into double figures, and I cut it loose. Meanwhile, 10 minutes later, the stock is up 30 or 40 cents, and I got out with a 10 cent loser. It happens at least 3 or 4 times a day. You would figure I would learn by now, but I haven't. I have tried to work on this. I tried to work on this today, and I got a lot of BIG losers that added up quickly. Didn't make me feel good at all. I need to find better entry points so I don't put myself in that situation.
3. I have zero confidence. I am so used to losing, I almost expect it now. Perhaps subconsciously I am only getting into trades that I now I will lose at. Who knows?

I am sure there are other problems, but right now, I will stick to those three. I just don't know what else to do. I have been spending a lot of time in the evenings either reviewing my trades or trying to develop a system on the Amibroker application, but that hasn't got me anywhere. As a result, my personal life has suffered. I haven't gone out as much because I have no desire, and I have completely stopped working out. I feel I have become a crappy husband and father (to our "daughter" Sasha). I have become so consumed with finding a "solution" to my problem, I have honestly forsaken the rest of the world. And it sucks! I have become so concerned with every little expense, I can't stand it. I am worried that my savings are going to run out before I find a "solution". In other words, I am a big mess.

Through all this, I have to admit that I love the job and the challenge it presents everyday. I still have not woken up dreading to go into work. From my post, you would probably think I am stressed out, but in all honesty, I feel less stress now than I did when I was at ?????. The feeling I feel now is more dissappointment in my self or depression. I continuallly let myself down on a daily basis, and that is hard to take. Before, I was frustrated because the stress was related to other people or situations. I could not change that, and to me, there was no hope. At least I feel like I can still change myself (although the last 3 months are starting to make me feel a little different about that statement). Regardless, I think that is another problem I may be having. I am so terrified to fail because I love this job so much, want to be successful at it, and don't want to go back to corporate America. Forget about the money aspect. If I could make half as much as I did at my previous job, but feel the way I feel about this line of work everyday, I would take it.

So, where does all this leave me?
Struggling and fighting to hold on. I am not going to quit. I have to keep pushing through this and find a way to be successful. Brush off the bad days and try again the next. I am at no risk of being "fired" anytime soon, so just try to make the most of my opportunity each and everyday. We'll see where I'm at this time next week.

As a consolation, it was great to see a lot of the old co-workers yesterday for happy hour. It seemed like all of you were much happier and enjoying the new job duties assigned to you. I hope things continue that way. Thanks to Robert for organizing it, and please let me know when the next one happens.